A total mess
Today's savings account balance: $1255.40
Dear Reader,
Hi. My name is Sally. I am: 45 years old, queer (I came out a few months ago after decades of avoiding the truth), a mom (to a high schooler who's heading to college soon), a runner (not a fast one, but I'm dedicated), an underpaid hourly employee at a veterinary clinic, and a soon-to-be ex-wife to a legitimately good person from whom I have grown apart (we can talk more about that whole situation in later posts, but our split is amicable).
I have: a mental illness (major depressive disorder with a hefty side of anxiety), a Ph.D. (which I do not use anymore, due to my career being derailed by said depressive disorder), a cat (charming, although she claims that I'm a disappointing personal concierge), a rental that I share with my son and my soon-to-be ex, a handful of prescription medications that are supposed to keep my brain in check, a really good therapist, and a solid sense of humor. I have a penchant for: documentaries, true crime podcasts, singing off-key in the car, Chappell Roan, toffee nut lattes, freshly baked pastries, and library books that I usually have to return before I can finish them.
On this sunny day in September, Reader, I find myself at a turning point in my life, and I am scared.
I'm scared because I very much do not have my shit together. For one thing, even an amicable separation and divorce is a messy and emotionally taxing proposition. On top of that, earlier this summer I went through a dark depressive episode that I'm still recovering from. And although I love working with animals every day, said job is highly stressful and woefully underpaid. My savings account (see above) is paltry. My soon-to-be ex has been the breadwinner for the past decade; I've been so dependent on him that I don't have the means to support myself right now. And frankly, it's a little terrifying to be newly out in the middle of my life. I have the strong suspicion that my romantic future may involve dating apps. Ooof.
It's kind of like when you decide to overhaul a closet that's full of random shit you haven't used/worn/seen in years, and so in a moment of brazen inspiration you decide to pull everything out and you put it on the ground and soon the floor is covered in things you're now tripping over and it's spilling into other rooms and you're left with a giant intimidating mess and zero energy to deal with it and it feels hopeless and overwhelming.
But I'm determined to put things back in order in a way I like and that makes sense for me at this point in my life.
I want: to be at the wheel, not just hanging on for the ride. I want: friendships, love (platonic and romantic), intimacy, deep conversations, silly conversations, my own apartment, financial security, a sense of community, a dog (the cat will be so mad, but she'll get over it), a rewarding job that pays me a decent salary and provides health insurance (I'm a little skeptical that this particular unicorn exists, but I'm keeping it on my wish list anyway), stability. I want to find myself smiling in the middle of the day at nothing in particular. I want to appreciate life and appreciate myself.
For the next year, I'm going to document my journey towards independence, both financial and personal. I'll share the lows, but I'll also share the wins. My hope is that putting my experience into words will help me persevere through the hard moments and appreciate the good ones.
My background is in math and science, so I take comfort in numbers and data. For that reason, I'm going to use my savings as a measure of my progress and report them at the beginning of each post (note that this doesn't include my retirement savings; I don't want to put all of that out there, for one thing, and for another, I can't access those funds right now without paying hefty fees). Money tells such a small part of the story, but I think that as I see my finances improve, I'll also feel increasingly confident about the future and my ability to thrive independently.
By this time next year, I would like to have: $15K in savings, my own apartment, and a well-trained dog who will run with me. I would like my divorce to be finalized. I would like my depression to be under control.
Anyway, reader, thank you for being here. If you have encouragement to offer, or ideas, or commiseration, or thoughtful advice, please feel free to share it by emailing me at sallygetshershittogether@gmail.com.
Love,
Sally